Raining In My Heart (Bleeding)

Rain beats down on the tin roof with a calming presence. The rain can keep falling for all I care, as the tears I've lost replenish, and the clouds hide the sun. My heart casts a similar sound, raining on the inside, breaking.

The door closed behind her, but there's no lock. Not yet. I'll leave it that way for a while, but once it's locked, you'll have to wait your turn to have the key. Be damned sure you hang on to it though for if you walk out the door next time, it may just close on your limbs before you exit.

My brain is thinking in blue and black. Don't try to understand. I dream in color, and though maybe not so book-smart, my grasp on the picture is panoramic compared to your cropped portrait. Yet again coffee lingers in my mouth after brushing. Something that tastes so good leaves a taste in your mouth that lasts for ages. Bitter, maybe, but undeniable what you just had.

Knuckles bleeding and teeth grinding, the light pains the brain. Click, click, click, pause... Try harder to understand and let the rain keep beating while my heart is bleeding.

It's Not That Bad

I was driving home today from shopping and fretting about how I couldn't get everyone something with what little funds I have. There were the worries that the gifts that I did buy, wouldn't meet expectations that friends and family might have. All this was whirring and buzzing through my head, yet something out of the corner of my eye made me stop thinking about all of that. Something out of the corner of my eye made a tear fall, and I felt very strange.

I saw this "thing" barely in my vision, it was a "he" and "he" was riding a very old, rusty bicycle. I noticed a few canned goods and a loaf of bread which looked half full. I wondered if he had a place to stay during Christmas. Was he heading somewhere with family, were they having a feast and he was just briging some much-needed supplies back to the casa, or was he wandering, with no place to go. I began to fear that he may be homeless, and as I glanced again at him just before he left my sight, I had never seen a frown.... Was he happy?

I wanted so badly to take back so much in my life, which I knew I couldn't. I know that every time I think something bad has happened to me, something worse is happening to someone else. This urge to withdraw money and give it to this man consumed me for a second or two, but I was scared. Scared that I was wrong and he might be offended. Hell, anyone would accept money. Wouldn't they?

There are so many times we pass a stranger and they are in need, do we ignore them or are we unable to see? I feel that I should drop down in front of this guy, hand him all the money I have and tell him to better himself, because I have screwed away so many things and I may now never accomplish success. He needs more help than me. Please forgive me.

Death's Deception

There's a certain beauty in death. Today while driving, I saw a kitten lie dead in the road. My frist reaction was "awww" and instant pity. My mind could not control that, but I slowly realised that the kitten no longer had the stress of life's worry to contend with. No worry where the next meal would come, no abusive enviornment. It could be free before the chains were attached. Sometime after child-hood we are bound by the responsibilities of life that plague us and pester our thoughts and hopes. Rent, phone bill, credit score, physical appearance. We can only hope to walk with our feet off the ground and our hearts open (hopefully unscathed) and our mind in the clouds.

Continued...

Here's the rest of the pictures... (maybe one more post full of them..)

Bridge of a Dream

I took some pics today of my car and a bridge... Hope you enjoy.... it was beautiful outside... 56k= death (it'll take forever they are like 2mb each) I took a funny pic too... guess which one?

Nostalgia (The Calm)

   I sit here and look out the door. The clouds roll over and fill my body with a feeling of calm. The sky up here in Pennsylvania is incredibly fierce blue, open and willing. Soon it will be October, and my heart's longing for the frosty air and smell of fall will be fulfilled. I get this rage inside me that I can no longer control, consuming me from the inside and jetting outward in all directions like an atomic blast. I feel love for the air to caress my skin, and I want to scream out "ahhhhhhhhh" just because it feels so good. October feels like it was made for me. As for now though, it's still just early September. I can feel the time coming, yet it's still so far away. Too far away to see my breath in the night air, to see thin puddles of water getting cold enough to freeze maybe in the later of October. Stil I long for my beloved October.

Alone in Time

   I sit here again alone and although I don't have to put up with the stress of work, I can hear my own pulse. The beating beneath my chest makes an audible sound; "thump thump, thump thump". Sun shining down upon the pool as I gaze outside at one of the hotel customers sun-baithing out by the pool. Scarce clouds across the sky, playing peek-a-boo with the sun, but for the most part, very nice outside.
   All I can think about is going down and having a beer at the hotel bar and relaxing a bit. I'm tired, but sleep only visited me for two hours this morning. I inhale the last bit of menthol from my cigarette, and try to decipher my mind's thoughts this afternoon. I'm filled with a lot of blankness today. These thoughts don't contain much useful information. As I slowly type that sentance, I think about next weekend, and my trip back home to pick up Stephanie. I wish it were closer, but I cannot control time and so the thought quickly leaves. I'm sure that it will happen in due time. I play with my hair and rough it up a bit. My hair has become stiff from the hotel shampoo and dry for the local climate. It feels almost like a toothbrush. This disturbs me minimally, and once again I'm left blank. I long for a refreshing drink of juice or something that isn't carbonated and labeled "Pepsi". I'm sick of drinking soft-drinks and hope to keep my kidneys in-tact. I roll my neck in a circle and hear the popping-creaking of my spine.
   I think I'm going to head back to bed.

Old Pics

These are a few pictures that are a bit older (like earlier this month) but I didn't post them yet so enjoy!

My Boredom

I've slacked a bit in writing, mostly due to work scheduling, and the crappy wireless internet offered by my hotel. I have a bit of time right now, I suppose I should give a bit of information about me lately.

My lack of interest in this city is really quite pitiable. There is nothing to do around here, and if I found something to do, my motivation would require something major for me to get off my butt and go do it.

I really hate to say how bad I hate this job (Pennsylvania). I sit here and click the refresh button on my e-mail page and wait for someone to write. There's noting more exciting than watching the page load and hoping for even something such as a newsletter or junk mail to appear so I can either zap it down to the trash, or maybe even read it to give me something to do. Staring out the window is another past-time of mine. Watching the clouds, noticing people pass by, small things. I notice the indian lady walk to a part of the decking at least twice a week and lay out towels on the brown boards, spreading out thin lentil crackers for the Indian Grill. The grill is connected to the hotel and not half bad.

Indian food is not something I enjoy for the most part, but last night I decided to live a little and after dragging my brother out of bed, we wandered down to the elegant little resturaunt and glanced at the menu. I only knew one thing on there: chicken tikka. I'd heard about it on movies and various other sources, and assumed "safe eating" so on with the order "chicken tikka please". The waiter brought some lentil crackers and chutney assortment. They were all very strong and spicy, some better than others, but my favorite was a tomato based chutney with onions in it. The chicken tikka arrived steaming violently and smelling very good on a bed of onions, peppers, and tomato. The other plates were filled with rice, and a sauce (gravy as the waiter called it). It all was pretty tolerable and the chicken itself was pretty tasty. After a huge meal (enough food for 4 people) I decided to head to the bar right next door for a beer.

The door that exits the Indian Grill actually enters the bar, and it wasn't hard to find a seat away from the patrons that were already drunken and loud. I sat, ordered a Bud Light and lit a cigarette. This was the boring part of the night, as I sat and had another Bud, I thought about my current situation and how lame everything is going with the job. I'm never sure who to believe, as everyone lies and hides things. I thought about this for a bit finished my 2nd beer and was about to pay, but I had no cash. This normally wouldn't be a problem because I have a debit card, but the bartender failed to mention before that there's a 10 dollar minimum tab before they accept debit/credit transactions (due to fee for business)(damn those indian owners pinch pennies). He asked me to drink a third which would raise my tab to six bucks, and then he'd run it anyway. I ate two pretzels and downed my glass and was out the door.

Today was a new day, but it's all the same shit. I have to do laundry still and it's close to 2pm. I'm not motivated today either. I've been messing with the car, as I need new tires on it, and it backfired once so I'm scared that the intake/cat is clogged. I'm bored as hell... can anyone help me?

I'm distracted from this lovely plot
As my fingers decipher my brain's language
Mind is taking it's own walk from reality
Eyes trace the path of destruction
Gathering the feeling of seclusion
Avoiding the lies and deception
Longing for the slightest touch
I lay my head down to rest
Away from this world I float
If only for a second
Here now
Gone

Sunrise

This is one of the pictures of the sunrise I took.. Nothing much to write about lately. Life is boring.

-Matt

The Work Cronicles: Part I - After My Nap

Part I: After My Nap (McDonalds Incident)

After waking up at 1am, I sat around and drank some nasty hotel coffee from the pot that makes approximately 7oz of gross coffee from one of those packet-type filters with coffee grounds in it. Though it was strong, it tasted as if someone left out the "coffee" flavor from it. Oh well, what a way to start the day.

I talked to Stephanie online for a bit, won at a game of cribbage, and smoked her at a game of yahtzee. Smoking and playing games goes hand-in-hand, especially with a cup of coffee, and I had only one Marlboro 100 left. Somewhere in-between my card game and smoking my brother had woken up and he also, only had one cigarette left, so now was as good a time as any to stock up and get some food in our systems. I would find this would be the start of the problems (dum Dum DUMMMM).

It didn't take long to cruise around at 2am and see which lights were on, and what businesses were open. It seemed that there was a 24 hour McDonalds open, and I immediately drove into the drive-thru. My brother spouted his order of: a number 6 meal, with unsweetened tea, and 2 double cheeseburgers. I followed with a number 5 and sweetened tea. The little voice that spoke through the speaker replied. "We have a late night menu, and double cheeseburgers aren't on that menu." This immediately pissed off my brother. "Forget them then!" he replied. "Okay, forget the doubles." I said. "The chicken sandwich isn't on the late-night menu either." The little box from the menu said. "Fuck this place" my brother mumbled. The lady from behind the mic at McDonalds told me to drive around after I told her to drop the whole first part of our order, and I pulled around. I forgot to remember that I'm in the north, they have no clue what sugar+tea equals. I had gotten unsweetened tea, and my brother nothing. He was throwing his little fit, and for some unknown reason, starving himself, because he wouldn't order anything. Next for the gas-station.

The gas station was right across the street. I pulled in, leaving the car running, and asked Mike; "Do you want some food from here?". "No." he replied. I really wasn't sure what to do. I looked around, and noticed that cigarettes were $40.00 a carton. "Geez, that's high." I said. Mike replied with a mumbled answer telling me how dumb I was for not getting some in Tennessee, and that I should've listened to everyone instead of being stupid. I was fed up at this point. I went into the store, got a few cheese danish to eat with my coffee, and payed for 4 packs of smokes and headed out. I offered Mike my food on the way back to the room, but when he passed this time, I decided to eat it and not say a word. On the way up I told him that we might not even get to go out for lunch, just depending on if the project manager at Lowes will open the doors for us at lunch time. "If they don't I'll break the fucking door and leave, then quit!" he grumbled angrily.

This leaves me here, now; writing this in my blog. I'm really not sure how things will work out, but hopefully they do, or I may be home sooner than I think.
Later today: The Noon Meeting.

The Work Cronicles: Preface

I have read recently about people who wrote about instances at work, and have suffered consequences, even lost their jobs for "blogging" about work, but I'm going to do it anyway, because.... well I think that it could be interesting, and maybe I'll realise something from doing it.

Day 1; Sunday, August 21, 2005:

The drive started at around 2:00am and I headed off towards highway 81, via 40e. As soon as I got onto 81N, I had to turn around, apparently my brother had forgot his shoes, so we couldn't have that. I suppose everything else was much of a blur, driving and driving and driving for eight hours.

We (my brother and I) arrived at around 11:30am at Quality Inns and asked the clerk for their weekly rates. He told us that $350 was the price, we swiped the debit card, and headed out to lunch while they prepared our room.

When we got back from lunch, the cleaner was just starting our room. We had blown at least two hours, and we were still waiting! Not much later, we were headed up to the room and I configured the free "high-speed" internet with my wireless card, and headed to the INTERNET.

I took a nap at 2pm and slept until about 1am. (rough eh?)

This is a pretty boring day as you can see..... hopefully something better soon!

Uncertainty

We only know as humans that everything is uncertain. When events will occur such as rain, blackouts, pregnancy, sickness, and death, we cannot predict the outcome of such actions. We can only guess and then, we may still be made wrong. It may only be said that the one certain thing is death, yet we still will never know exactly when.

Normality

I sometimes sit here and wonder exactly what is normal? I cannot comprehend anymore what this means. I used to think that someone could be normal, but we all are so completely different, or maybe the same. Maybe we're all normal somehow. Are we that much different in the way we dress? Sure there's people who wear dark clothes, trench-coats or maybe bright pink shirts, three-piece suits and neck-ties. Does this classify one as abnomal because they aren't wearing jeans and a tee-shirt?
What is normal?

Knot At the End

Slowly ever so dulling
Fading, the lines begin to blur
This feeling of lulling
Dragged to good, I deter


Slipping downward gripping
These thoughts overbearing
Mind's faucet left dripping
Conscious neglected uncaring

Pain indulgence scarred
Determined souls cling
Hands and feet barred
Tears of hatred sting

Deception hiding truth
Light false hopes send
Lies laid right soothe
but a knot lies at the end

"The Tooth"

   Well, since my last posting I've been in a bit 'o pain. I had a wicked pain in my jaw due to a faulty wisdom tooth which had been applying pressure the the muscles in the jaw. I decided to have the fault removed (pulled) and it's been hell from there...

   This gaping hole in my mouth which once was a tooth, has gathered everything I eat. I constantly taste lunch even at 3am, which fills me with an overwhelming nausea. Sometimes if I drink something too hot or too cold the nerve/nerves send shock-waves to my brain of excruciating pain. I want to rip my skull off and throw it out the window!

   Although I've talked to people who've had teeth pulled, and healed in a week or few, the hole I once called a tooth, is still open and collecting remains. I still live with this hell every other day. I'll probably start writing more when my head clears a bit. Until then, thanks for reading my rant!

-Matt

Some Photography Too...

These are a few photos I took with my Long-Time exposure set to 4 seconds. I caught a few bolts of lightning, and a bunch of really crazy shots. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed taking them.
-Matt

Loss For Creativity

   Lately I've been at a loss for creativity. I tried to think about why and what influences our creative minds, stimulating our brain which paints this wonderful vision of colors. I've found some vital points that may be the key to creativity.
   The first thing that I've found is that silence is nirvana when dealing with a stew of ideas. I need near complete silence to even think clearly with all the hustle and banging going on in reality. When in silence, I tend to think a lot more, sparking ideas that could never be in noisy situations. I tend to find silence from around 2am through 5am.
   Silence may be the key, but the second factor is being alone, not completely, but I'll explain. If you're sitting in the park on a bench, with people around you doing their business, that's fine. You're less-likely to focus on their conversations or anything they're doing specifically. My porch is usually my best alone place, granted I usually don't go anywhere alone in the car, so it works.
   A stress-free day can be really thought provoking. If you have a lot of stressful things on your mind, it can be really hindering to your process of thinking. This goes hand in hand with silence, time alone. A creative mind is gold and without one, many things are difficult to accomplish.
   Try to think up an ad-campaign or a witty commercial without creativity. If you plan on writing a book (unless it's a bio or instruction manual), you will need some creative thinking processes going on. Even something like being "romantic" to a woman, is merely being creative. Often being romantic is never thought of as just "being creative", you always hear about the crazy things people do when they propose marriage.
   Creativity is something that cannot be taught, and is one of the most profitable talents someone can have. Comedians write jokes and make money, marketers and marketing are very high-end jobs. Coaches for sports teams have to use creativity along-side strategy for the winning plays. Authors, inventors, and architects; all creative people, without creativity, might have really dull jobs such as answering the phone or doing inventory at a warehouse. Does creativity really seperate people?

I think it does.....

A Night in the Life of Me (Ode to No One)

   I guess you could say tonight was like any-other night. It could be called a bit slow and boring, but I deal. Read on dear reader.

   I woke up to my roomate at 3pm, just before my shift started at 4pm. There is nothing unusual about this. I tend to stay up late and take care of my internet, television, or cooking needs late the night before, so I always seem to sleep in at least a few days a week. This week could turn out to have more "late" days than early ones. I didn't like that I had waken so late. Let the bitching start! I complained for about ten minutes about how four people had to get ready and only one had even started before my sleep was disturbed. The problem was simple to me: three guys, one bathroom, one hour!

   My bitching stopped after a Steph put up a little resistance. I find it normal for people to be a bit "cranky" in the morning, don't you? I resumed my frenzy for doing my hair, brushing my teeth, and the several other tasks that were at hand. My crankyness was dissolved after I received an e-mail from my aunt and uncle telling me about a job offer, that sounded extremely good! Before long, I was ready, along with the rest of my household and we were out the door. The lock was turned and the four of us piled into the '86 Olds ninety-eight.

   The drive is always boring, as nothing ever happens to make me happy while driving to work. At least on the way home you can plan what you're going to do, (usually starting with kicking off my shoes) but today's ride was a little more irritating. As soon as the key was turned in the ignition, the debate on music began. Who's cd to put in the player, was todays usual topic. After about ten seconds, Steph decided to put her cd in, being the passenger-side "dj" she was. Greene agreed none to this deal, yet being in the back-seat forced him idle until her two songs had played through. All the while, my head wishing for no music at all this very day. As I pulled out of the drive like any other day, I felt as though my mind was connected to the very frame of this vehicle today. Four people packed in this 19 year old car, which probably hasn't seen this load in 10 years, compressed the shocks and springs causing the frame to bottom out on them. Every bump in the road from home to work caused a scratching sound. As I said before, my mind was connected to the frame, so every "sccchhhhhh" sound I heard vibrated my very brain.

   It took no time at all to arrive, as the Middle Creek/Ernest junction was very forgiving today and a car let me out with no problems. On a busy day the two-laned short-cutting bastards would keep taking our road for up to fifteen mintues before a generous car would come out and wave us on to turn from our parked position. At work, I parked by the back door due to the rain. We decided that it would be a drier walk if I did. The parking lot was half-full, but only because a party was going on, which had no effect on my business in main-dining.

   I spent my first few hours wandering around underneath the bundles of trinkets and collectables the Rocky River Grill has hung in its wooden rafters for customers to glance and glare at. Stuffed animal heads, boats, tins, signs, various old tools and equipment such as skiis and oars. I occasionally walked to the back-room to smoke half a cigarette, until I got sick of the menthol flavor, then I wandered back up to the bar. Two hours passed and I had gotten maybe two tables at most. The rest of the night was similar. Nothing much to do, nothing much to say.

   Closer to the end of the night, when things were wrapping up, I had decided to let my last table, a couple who had came in 10 minutes before closing, eat. I once again, wandered back to smoke. Steph was hanging out with this boy named Brandon. Brandon seems to have a crush on her, and as she's told him she's not single, he still tries hard to hang around her. Some thought of him as "attached to her hip" tonight. I felt the same. Back to the smoke-break; Brandon was sitting next to Steph, talking about what only they know. I cared none. If he was so determined, I'd let him mess up and then I'd smash him, or let her break his silly little heart. I had this funny suspicion, but I let it ride and finished some side work of rolling silverware as those two took on their own conversations.

   I accomplished my quota of silver rolled and tabbed, and just as I was going to announce it to Steph (since she had been off for a while now), I watched her walk out the back door. Immediately I knew what was going on. Brandon had invited her outside to get "high" with him. He had been attempting to "get her high" for quite some time now. In my mind I had thought: although Steph wanted this, I did not believe she wanted anything to do with Brandon, except the free "high". He, on the otherhand, had many more plans for her, I do believe. I expected Steph to walk back in and alert me that she had gotten high. I do not condone these things, but I also cannot control what people do. I've expressed my thoughts on the matter, and I shall speak about it with her no-more. If she chooses to smoke with sex-driven little boys behind my back, she can do it forever without me around. Just as I had thought this, she walked back in, eyes glossy and a little amused. I couldn't say that I was happy, but I really was just going to ignore it. Why else should I give a shit?

   Soon I was done with all work and we packed into the car, and on that same curvy road, with the same frame and shocks grinding together to vibrate my brain. I had much more on my mind than just preparing for work this time though. I couldn't sort it with the bump-squeek gzzzzzzt going on though. Damn this car needs new shocks! Before long we were at home again. I was excited to run upstairs and read more about the job-offer my aunt had told me about, but became discouraged with the internet down at the time (stupid ass charter). I sat downstairs and thought: "why didn't Steph tell me she was high?" I grabbed my little notepad and scribbled: Are you high (in so many words) and handed it to Steph. She wrote back with "I am". I immediately told her I knew all along, and asked why she didn't tell me. The response: "I was paranoid to be around you". This comes because I told her, if she chose to get high and be stupid, I didn't want her around me. This is where my story ends. I immediately left the living room with a feeling I couldn't decipher, and scribbled my day out on my notepad. Just one of many nights in my life....

Matt

The Feeling Continued.....

Well so far I haven't found out what was driving me so mad inside... I'm still up for a few days of surprise. I'll be sure and keep up with the blog while this is going on, but until then I'll wrap this one up. Hope it's nothing bad.... but it couldn've already happened.. I dunno.