Raining In My Heart (Bleeding)

Rain beats down on the tin roof with a calming presence. The rain can keep falling for all I care, as the tears I've lost replenish, and the clouds hide the sun. My heart casts a similar sound, raining on the inside, breaking.

The door closed behind her, but there's no lock. Not yet. I'll leave it that way for a while, but once it's locked, you'll have to wait your turn to have the key. Be damned sure you hang on to it though for if you walk out the door next time, it may just close on your limbs before you exit.

My brain is thinking in blue and black. Don't try to understand. I dream in color, and though maybe not so book-smart, my grasp on the picture is panoramic compared to your cropped portrait. Yet again coffee lingers in my mouth after brushing. Something that tastes so good leaves a taste in your mouth that lasts for ages. Bitter, maybe, but undeniable what you just had.

Knuckles bleeding and teeth grinding, the light pains the brain. Click, click, click, pause... Try harder to understand and let the rain keep beating while my heart is bleeding.

It's Not That Bad

I was driving home today from shopping and fretting about how I couldn't get everyone something with what little funds I have. There were the worries that the gifts that I did buy, wouldn't meet expectations that friends and family might have. All this was whirring and buzzing through my head, yet something out of the corner of my eye made me stop thinking about all of that. Something out of the corner of my eye made a tear fall, and I felt very strange.

I saw this "thing" barely in my vision, it was a "he" and "he" was riding a very old, rusty bicycle. I noticed a few canned goods and a loaf of bread which looked half full. I wondered if he had a place to stay during Christmas. Was he heading somewhere with family, were they having a feast and he was just briging some much-needed supplies back to the casa, or was he wandering, with no place to go. I began to fear that he may be homeless, and as I glanced again at him just before he left my sight, I had never seen a frown.... Was he happy?

I wanted so badly to take back so much in my life, which I knew I couldn't. I know that every time I think something bad has happened to me, something worse is happening to someone else. This urge to withdraw money and give it to this man consumed me for a second or two, but I was scared. Scared that I was wrong and he might be offended. Hell, anyone would accept money. Wouldn't they?

There are so many times we pass a stranger and they are in need, do we ignore them or are we unable to see? I feel that I should drop down in front of this guy, hand him all the money I have and tell him to better himself, because I have screwed away so many things and I may now never accomplish success. He needs more help than me. Please forgive me.

Death's Deception

There's a certain beauty in death. Today while driving, I saw a kitten lie dead in the road. My frist reaction was "awww" and instant pity. My mind could not control that, but I slowly realised that the kitten no longer had the stress of life's worry to contend with. No worry where the next meal would come, no abusive enviornment. It could be free before the chains were attached. Sometime after child-hood we are bound by the responsibilities of life that plague us and pester our thoughts and hopes. Rent, phone bill, credit score, physical appearance. We can only hope to walk with our feet off the ground and our hearts open (hopefully unscathed) and our mind in the clouds.

Continued...

Here's the rest of the pictures... (maybe one more post full of them..)

Bridge of a Dream

I took some pics today of my car and a bridge... Hope you enjoy.... it was beautiful outside... 56k= death (it'll take forever they are like 2mb each) I took a funny pic too... guess which one?

Nostalgia (The Calm)

   I sit here and look out the door. The clouds roll over and fill my body with a feeling of calm. The sky up here in Pennsylvania is incredibly fierce blue, open and willing. Soon it will be October, and my heart's longing for the frosty air and smell of fall will be fulfilled. I get this rage inside me that I can no longer control, consuming me from the inside and jetting outward in all directions like an atomic blast. I feel love for the air to caress my skin, and I want to scream out "ahhhhhhhhh" just because it feels so good. October feels like it was made for me. As for now though, it's still just early September. I can feel the time coming, yet it's still so far away. Too far away to see my breath in the night air, to see thin puddles of water getting cold enough to freeze maybe in the later of October. Stil I long for my beloved October.

Alone in Time

   I sit here again alone and although I don't have to put up with the stress of work, I can hear my own pulse. The beating beneath my chest makes an audible sound; "thump thump, thump thump". Sun shining down upon the pool as I gaze outside at one of the hotel customers sun-baithing out by the pool. Scarce clouds across the sky, playing peek-a-boo with the sun, but for the most part, very nice outside.
   All I can think about is going down and having a beer at the hotel bar and relaxing a bit. I'm tired, but sleep only visited me for two hours this morning. I inhale the last bit of menthol from my cigarette, and try to decipher my mind's thoughts this afternoon. I'm filled with a lot of blankness today. These thoughts don't contain much useful information. As I slowly type that sentance, I think about next weekend, and my trip back home to pick up Stephanie. I wish it were closer, but I cannot control time and so the thought quickly leaves. I'm sure that it will happen in due time. I play with my hair and rough it up a bit. My hair has become stiff from the hotel shampoo and dry for the local climate. It feels almost like a toothbrush. This disturbs me minimally, and once again I'm left blank. I long for a refreshing drink of juice or something that isn't carbonated and labeled "Pepsi". I'm sick of drinking soft-drinks and hope to keep my kidneys in-tact. I roll my neck in a circle and hear the popping-creaking of my spine.
   I think I'm going to head back to bed.

Old Pics

These are a few pictures that are a bit older (like earlier this month) but I didn't post them yet so enjoy!

My Boredom

I've slacked a bit in writing, mostly due to work scheduling, and the crappy wireless internet offered by my hotel. I have a bit of time right now, I suppose I should give a bit of information about me lately.

My lack of interest in this city is really quite pitiable. There is nothing to do around here, and if I found something to do, my motivation would require something major for me to get off my butt and go do it.

I really hate to say how bad I hate this job (Pennsylvania). I sit here and click the refresh button on my e-mail page and wait for someone to write. There's noting more exciting than watching the page load and hoping for even something such as a newsletter or junk mail to appear so I can either zap it down to the trash, or maybe even read it to give me something to do. Staring out the window is another past-time of mine. Watching the clouds, noticing people pass by, small things. I notice the indian lady walk to a part of the decking at least twice a week and lay out towels on the brown boards, spreading out thin lentil crackers for the Indian Grill. The grill is connected to the hotel and not half bad.

Indian food is not something I enjoy for the most part, but last night I decided to live a little and after dragging my brother out of bed, we wandered down to the elegant little resturaunt and glanced at the menu. I only knew one thing on there: chicken tikka. I'd heard about it on movies and various other sources, and assumed "safe eating" so on with the order "chicken tikka please". The waiter brought some lentil crackers and chutney assortment. They were all very strong and spicy, some better than others, but my favorite was a tomato based chutney with onions in it. The chicken tikka arrived steaming violently and smelling very good on a bed of onions, peppers, and tomato. The other plates were filled with rice, and a sauce (gravy as the waiter called it). It all was pretty tolerable and the chicken itself was pretty tasty. After a huge meal (enough food for 4 people) I decided to head to the bar right next door for a beer.

The door that exits the Indian Grill actually enters the bar, and it wasn't hard to find a seat away from the patrons that were already drunken and loud. I sat, ordered a Bud Light and lit a cigarette. This was the boring part of the night, as I sat and had another Bud, I thought about my current situation and how lame everything is going with the job. I'm never sure who to believe, as everyone lies and hides things. I thought about this for a bit finished my 2nd beer and was about to pay, but I had no cash. This normally wouldn't be a problem because I have a debit card, but the bartender failed to mention before that there's a 10 dollar minimum tab before they accept debit/credit transactions (due to fee for business)(damn those indian owners pinch pennies). He asked me to drink a third which would raise my tab to six bucks, and then he'd run it anyway. I ate two pretzels and downed my glass and was out the door.

Today was a new day, but it's all the same shit. I have to do laundry still and it's close to 2pm. I'm not motivated today either. I've been messing with the car, as I need new tires on it, and it backfired once so I'm scared that the intake/cat is clogged. I'm bored as hell... can anyone help me?

I'm distracted from this lovely plot
As my fingers decipher my brain's language
Mind is taking it's own walk from reality
Eyes trace the path of destruction
Gathering the feeling of seclusion
Avoiding the lies and deception
Longing for the slightest touch
I lay my head down to rest
Away from this world I float
If only for a second
Here now
Gone